Texas realtor and convicted insurrectionist looks forward to prison as weight-loss and yoga retreat

Texas realtor and convicted insurrectionist looks forward to prison as weight-loss and yoga retreat

Information about Texas realtor and convicted insurrectionist looks forward to prison as weight-loss and yoga retreat

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It is Ryan’s narcissism that got her into this mess. Her tendency to film her face and speak into a mirror image of herself on her phone and then post it online for public consumption made the Department of Justice’s job very easy. Guess what? She hasn’t learned. Her favorite app for talking about herself into the camera of her phone is TikTok.

On Nov. 4, Ryan was sentenced to 60 days in jail after pleading with the judge that “My social media is an image I project and not my real life,” and that her brand included not “always” being able to “display remorse.” The following day she posted a video to TikTok saying she was “going to prison.” Preening in a way that can only be described as unsettling, Ryan tells her audience that she just go finished doing an interview thing with Newsmax. And then she gives her side of the sentencing story.

“Yes I’m going to prison. I’m going to prison because of a tweet that said I’m not going to prison.” Not sounding like she has learned a lesson, maybe she could pull this out? “But it was a reply. It was a reply to a tweet. I said I’m not going to prison, but I was talking to a hater.” Oh boy. But don’t you worry, Jenna has ideas about prison, saying that while she is not sure “what you do in prison,” she imagines that you “do a lot of yoga. You workout. Read a book. Write a book. I already have a book written.” She goes on to say she has a literary agent and she’s excited about her book project and she just has to finish writing “a little piece of it.”

Maybe that “little piece” is the whole video-taping yourself being an ignoramus and breaking laws on federal land is just an opportunity to, like Trump and the rest of the corrupt MAGA landscape, sell some books. She says it could even be a movie some day. Excuse me while I take a break to sip on some laudanum.

I’m back! How might the story of a woman wearing poorly designed Trump-campaign memorabilia, who films herself, says ugly and unaware things, and breaks the laws in service of a coup d’etat be turned into a motion picture? It would be about how Jenna Ryan “got entangled in this political fiasco of epic proportions and accused of being a complete and utter piece of poop.” Sounds like a real cinematic experience.

She goes on to explain to her audience that she isn’t going to a penitentiary, so she doesn’t have to worry about the violence and homophobic terror promoted to Americans about our penal system. She will be locked away like “a dog in a pen.” 

In a video she posted a few days ago, Ryan said she was having a real roller coaster of emotions these days but that she was posting because she felt like she could “take on the world.” She also claimed that she had had to go off of all of her medications because you cannot have them in federal prison. It is not clear what medications a federal prison would not allow her to have as by law, any drugs prescribed by a licensed professional can be taken in prison, though those drugs must be handled and controlled through the correctional facility’s pharmacy.

Any the ways. On Sunday, Ryan posted a new video titled “Keep Positive- Prison Fit Check,” where she explained optimistic outlook for her prison stay. “The only thing I can see that’s good about going to prison is that I’m going to be able to work out a lot, and do a lot of yoga, and detox.” That’s a positive attitude. “And also I can’t eat because the food is awful and, there’s just no food.” Interesting. Maybe she has read some of my articles about how Alabama, Sheriff Todd Entrekin pocketed around $750,000 from the prison food fund over a three-year period? Maybe she’s mixing up her ideas with the food given to high school students in predominantly Black areas?

Probably not. But never fear, Ms. Ryan has some hopes and dreams about the alternatives she can expect to see in federal prison. “Hopefully they have like some protein shakes and some protein bars, I think?” Protein bars are indeed a thing. “Because you don’t want to eat like green baloney.” Oh, maybe she’s reading stories about how the Orange County Sheriff’s Department served rancid meat to immigrant detainees?

Back to some good old self-motivation from Ms. Ryan. “So, I’ll lose some weight in prison, everyone is telling me I’ll lose weight.” Grrrrrreeeeaat? I guess? “So hopefully I’ll be able to get down to my ideal weight because I won’t be able to drink. I won’t be able to eat. I won’t be able to eat all of the stupid stuff like chips and all of the stupid stuff I eat, sometimes.” She then proceeds to weigh herself on camera and basically say she believes she can lose about 30 pounds in prison. In fact, Ryan goes on, if she can drop 30 pounds in 60 days prison will “be worth it.”

Maybe the “little piece” of her book that she needs to finish is the whole “How to lose 30n pounds in 60 days by participating in an insurrection, getting arrested, and going to federal prison”?


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